Progress

Got the labs drawn. Got the MyPlate entries made in the iPhone. Got a lot of "stuff" done today--Monday is the first day of school for my kids, and there are lots of last minute things to accomplish.

Didn't make dinner. :( Planned and bought, hamburger thawed, but there was a ModBod parking lot sale tonight, and I had to get there early so there would be anything worth buying.

Tomorrow is another day, and I'm ready for it!

From the time I was about ten--maybe even eight--I started wearing makeup here and there. Loved makeup, hairdos, dressing up, doing my nails. I really got into it more as a teen, bought out Avon all my life --makeup and jewelry-- until I joined Mary Kay, and then I REALLY went hogwild on the beauty scene.

Here I am teetering on the edge of 300 pounds. I haven't had my hair cut in at least 3 years. I haven't colored it in longer than that...much longer. I rarely wear any makeup or jewelry, except my newish earrings on Sundays. It's been a coon's age since I did my nails--excepting going out to Reno for the wedding last month. And I got to thinking. With how much I used to love making myself into my view of femininity, why have I given up? Did I feel ugly before I got fat? Or did the fat make me feel ugly and then I gave up on my womanhood? I can't help wondering if this is somehow all wrapped up in the mess of mother-ness, my screwed up view of what the difference between motherhood and regular personhood and sexuality is to me. Oh, how I thought (and hoped) that I had put that freakish period of my life behind me years ago.

Instead of rewarding myself or comforting myself with food, what if I did some of the old things? New nail polish or hair color? Maybe I thought I didn't have the money to spend on myself. I probably didn't. But it's time to dig $5 out of the couch or somebody's winter coat and "pamper" myself here and there. I obviously found the money to spend on potato chips, so if I give those up, I can certainly afford a lipstick!

If I felt a little better about myself, maybe I'd go out more--do the things that my spirit feels driven to try, but then I look in the mirror and tell myself that fat ladies don't go climbing rock walls or run 5K's. Or even go to the local yarn shop to take a tatting class. Something I've longed to do for 20 years! But I don't want to go out. Don't want to see people or make new friends. Don't see my own value to others.

Hubby gave me some $$ to get my hair done a couple of weeks ago. Still not done. But I got the scissor-happy daughter to chop it off at my shoulders a few days ago in order to trap myself into the hairdo. I think I'm going to the stylist next Friday. (I keep nipping at the ragged ends, last time with nail clippers, so the hairstylist HAS to happen.)

So that's it. Today's journaling. I don't know if I'm doing it right, but Connie, my PA, said to do it, so doing it.

NO FEAR!

Am I Really Doing This Again?

Food. The final frontier.

Talked at length with my mom today about the fat/food battle. That when you are on a diet, tracking calories, etc., it feels like you think about food even more than you do when you are just craving/indulging. All day, what can I eat? Write that down. Count the calories. Can I have a snack yet? What am I going to have? How many calories is that? And so on.

Not to put anyone down, but it's hard to hear weight loss advice from a 95-pound very fit person.

I can't do this forever, but I don't have to. I loaded the MyPlate app from Livestrong.com and I am going to focus on the first 10 pounds and a day at a time. A snack at a time. A glass of water at a time. That's enough for now.

The food I would most hate to give up--cheese. Cheese, cheese, cheese. It is tasty, savory, salty, deep and vast, and the texture of a good cheese is sensual.

Tomorrow, MyPlate and the new fasting lab work.

Starting Over

What exactly is a food journal? It is apparently much more than a list of what a person eats. It is a journal of the individual's experience with food, relationship, awareness, consumption, alternatives, etc. After my first counseling appointment with my doctor regarding my weight in over 2 years, I was counseled to keep a food journal along with a list of Go-To's. Go'To's are something like lifelines. If you're stuck--can't get that food out of your head, can't stop craving--you "go to" your lifeline list and figure out something else to do instead of eat. Counseling. For food. No. I am a food addict. I admit it. And I think counseling is a good thing. But not now. I want a food support group. Like AA, only for people who eat chocolate cake in their closet so no one else can see them eating it. Absolutely crushing statistic. My doctor said that the average American quitting an addiction has to quit 7 times before succeeding. Another journey--not to lose weight, but to feel better and to walk a 5K next summer. Grah. Can't journeys ever be fun or easy?